Slow and Steady.
So, when I moved out of the house I had semi-shared with my ex-husband for several years…long story…I was putting a stack of my old journals into a bag. I opened one small journal I didn’t particularly recognize, straight to an entry where I was writing about how I should leave the house and move on and how we’d co-parent fine together, etc. In that moment, I simply had to laugh because that was written ten years before, I didn’t even remember I was already thinking that way that long ago and here I was, doing what I knew to do, only ten years later.
I am the tortoise in the story. I don’t remember many big mind blowing revelations in my life. I am not very reactive, I am an observer and an internal processor. I make changes over the course of years, not days or even months. I deliberate and I ponder and I hesitate and I wait and I start that process over again. I don’t like to feel pushed, I don’t like deadlines. And I also never stop in my striving to seek truth, truth in myself and in my understanding of the mysteries of this life.
So while I can’t say exactly which moment which paradigm shifted within me, or which exact instant I truly internalized that I was fully responsible for everything happening in my life, or that re-grooving negative self talk was the best gift I could give myself, or that loving my body every moment resulted in a much happier outcome, or that zooming out on each experience gave me space to stay centered and calm in my perspective and behaviors…but all these things did happen. And as they did, my once disruptive stomach was nearly always steady, my voice had less constriction, my hook into what others might be feeling about me was much easier to release. I slowly recognized that most of the time, I feel loving and accepting, that I judge less and that openness toward others feels like freedom to me. I have learned that I can practice playing the scales of a meaningful life and growth comes in tiny bits at a time and big change will show up, rather seamlessly.
I still get caught in the thoughts that I should be bolder, faster to speak and act, that I could have “achieved” so much more, that I waste too much time. And yet, I have gradually- as is my way- become accepting of my innate form of being in the world. That is the secret, my friends. The touching in to a deep love of one’s essential self, your soul signature, unique from everyone else’s. So much love that you take your actions from that place, that deep soul nature. I admire the hares, I even attach to them at times and I emulate and learn from their quick bold manners. But I am still the tortoise. I trust that I will always get where I am going, maintaining the internal harmony that is my favorite state and savoring the insights gained along the way as being the point of it all. I am not interested in finishing until I am truly finished.
It reminds me of a quote I heard from an interview with Mark Nepo (paraphrasing) that life requests of us to learn how to ask for what we need only to have to practice accepting what we are given. This feels like one of those metaphorical infinity signs of life that flow seamlessly back and forth within each other… learning to ask for what we need doesn’t mean we’ll get it but it means we act out the vital vulnerable work of speaking aloud the truth in our heart. Accepting what we are given embodies the nature of releasing attachment that things must be some precise way for us to be happy, we instead have the opportunity to become intimate with the nature of seeing the lessons in all experience.
And so, I strive to exist between the effort and the ease as I swim along that particular infinity sign of experience…sometimes fully practicing the courage of speaking aloud my needs and other times fully practicing the surrender of allowing things to be exactly as they are. Come with me on this journey of tapping into your way of being, releasing any belief there is a better or more correct way to be and finding the tiny steps to practice your particular soul journey, moment by moment and breath by breath.
Angelene Price works with people ready to tune into their inner wisdom through coaching and yoga. Click here to learn more about coaching services.
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